dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize