The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Even the bartender felt bad for me
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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