You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
