Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
