Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
