Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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