Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
