Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My vagina is officially offended.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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