I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
