I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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