I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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