I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
oh god the rape fog is back!
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Randomize
