Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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