I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
