Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize