This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
