Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
