You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
