No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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