Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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