I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
she peed on how many people?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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