Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
