I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize