I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
