Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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