Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
