How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
