Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
