My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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