For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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