He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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