Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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