have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
