Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
