Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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