My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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