He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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