he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I didn't notice because vodka
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
