I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
