Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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