1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
she pinky promised me she was 18
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
