Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
