I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
