maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
