Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
