Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
