I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
