Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
