What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
