seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
