i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Randomize
