not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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