watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
