Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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