Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
