he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
