make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
