Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
